If you don't have time to play the guitar, nor the connections to score massive amounts of narcotics, playing a DJ set is the quickest way to gain status as an officially cool person. While it can be quite expensive, being a DJ is neither difficult nor time-consuming.
Learning to mix is completely unnecessary. No one in Singapore knows how to dance anyways. Nor can they tell when one song has ended and another has begun, regardless of how poorly you have blended one into the other. Just push the stop button on one table and push the start button on the other. People will think it's some kind of DJ trick. If you can't manage that, just yell unintelligible into the mic while one song is ending and another is beginning. The crowd will think you are getting them "hype."
Scratch It Up
"What is a DJ if he can't scratch?" I don't know, but whoever said that is stupid (I think it was Kool Moe Dee or something). Scratching is useless. Most rap songs already come with scratching noises included. All you have to do is silently push the other record back and forth and people will give you all the credit. If someone actually calls you out on it (which I guarantee they won't), just say that you are mixing (see Beat Matching, above).
Stick To The Hits
Honestly, no one wants to hear that hot single you just picked up off the new Rhymesayers release. They want to hear crap they know all the words to. Play that "In Da Club" song by that dude who got shot nine times or, in a pinch, try "Milkshake" by Kelis. People will go nuts. Save that underground shit for your cousin's secondary school house party when your uncle goes out of town.
Be sure to wear a t-shirt with screen-printed vector art of a Technics SL-1200 turntable. If you can't find one (which you can, trust me, Bangkok ain't that far away), get a shirt with a pair of headphones or the brand name of your favourite needle company. This way everyone recognises that you are the DJ, not some other non-DJ person. It helps if you carry around a copy of Juice.
Move The Crowd
Is nobody dancing? Uh-oh. This situation requires action. What it requires is you, subtly dancing to the rhythm of the song you are playing. This confirms to the crowd that the track is indeed "hot," and thus worthy of dancing to. As new people enter the venue, continue to dance, but nod and point a finger to let them know that you are aware of their presence and that you appreciate them coming out.
While DJing, it is important that everyone recognise that you are a professional. In order to instill a sense of authority to your presence, keep one ear cupped in a headphone at all times and stare at the decks as if they were a pop quiz in Calculus. Then, as the song reaches a refrain, nod your head as if you have solved a problem. In the minds of the crowd, you are a Zen master. Word to the Mother.
This article originally appeared in Misprint Magazine.?Illustration: SLO